Thursday, November 13, 2008

Think Green - Limousine

While riding along the campaign trails in his happy hybrids, Candidate Barack Obama had alot to say about the worlds need for a universal CO2 tax, stating that such taxes (which will raise consumer prices, and allow the rich to purchase indulgences to continue on their jet-setting ways and further the developmental poverty divide) "are essential to reverse runaway climate change and avert resulting severe weather events, inundation of coastal areas, spread of diseases, failure of agriculture and water supply, infrastructure destruction, forced migrations, political upheavals and international conflict."

But now it looks like the next President will be rolling in a much dirtier limousine, and a much less green version than either our current president or any of his predecessors. the New York Times reported last week, rumored Obama-mobile is a brand new souped-up, up-armored limo that looks like a Cadillac DTS but is actually based on GM's line of heavy-duty 2500 trucks, which received the lowest rating possible on the EPA's federal scale of "green", getting single digit gas mileage, and emitting a staggeringly high 16 tons of Carbon Monoxide per year.

Of course, those figures don't take into account the significant (and unknown) additions in weight from all the security and safety measures that have also been tacked on to what is most likely at least 6 Presidential Caddies and Decoy Caddies for codename "Renegade". These (and we are speculating here, based on presidential presidence, as details of defenses are not revealed) include 5 or more inches of bulletproof glass over each of the windows, ceramic/metal armor plates in all body panels, steel overlaps on the doors, reinforced chassis, aircraft tie downs, a large battery bank, radio and communication system, cell-phone-jamming equipment, a very impressive Public Announcement system, a bank of fluorescent lighting, and a steel run-flat system.

I might have missed something there, not to mention any performance upgrades they might have ordered to augment the 2500's stock near 400 horsepower. (there is also speculation that it might be a diesel, but even the use of bio-diesel wouldn't reduce the CO2 Emissions.)

While I think the President's safety is important, I would like to point out that arbitrary fuel mileage regulations are precisely why the stellar highway safety ratings of the 60's sedans declined to the crushed can ratings of your typical tin roller skate today. Rather than let the market develop modern, more technically efficient, cars, the federal government mandated more economical cars, now!, forcing manufacturers to cut weight to use existing technology to achieve goals that were in most cases not set by automotive engineers. Where is the easiest place to cut weight, for an automotive manufacturer? Support Structure. with half the weight, the Governments goals were met, but you, the consumer, were left with little to no choices on how safely you wanted your family to travel.

Legislation is rarely the answer to such problems, and it rarely solves them, instead imbalancing the natural development of improvement and inovation.

Also of note, the GM 2500 series was the platform upon which the Autobot Ironhide from the Transformers movie was built, while I doubt this particular limo will "Change" into anything but the beastly monstrosity it is, if it did, id guess this transformer might be a Decepticon, or the here-to unknown Hipocraton. (unless you count Al Gore's limos in the same catagory.) At least, you know, the taxpayers will pay for his carbon offsets, so they can afford less of their own for silly things like getting food to market, or getting to work.

When asked for Comment on his new Presidential Wheels, a cheerful Presidential-Elect replied:

Well, when I'm the president:

You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get myself a 1967 New Cadillac El Dorado Convertable DTS
Hot pink! Black!
With whale skin hub caps,
An all leather cow interior,
And big brown baby seal eyes for headlights

And I'm gonna drive around in that baby
At 115 miles per hour Getting one mile per gallon
Sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable Styrofoam containers
And when I'm done sucking down those grease-ball burgers
I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag
And then I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam containers right out the side
And there ain't a Goddamn thing anybody can do about it You know why?

'Cause I got the bombs, that's why!
Two words:

Nuclear Fuckin' Weapons